Hi Readers,

So I have been finding that all of you reading my blogs are enjoying them, thankfully otherwise that would be embarrassing, but I wanted to let you guys in on how I really am doing during this trip, not just posting the pretty photo’s and captions.

Yes, it sounds and looks like and dream and yes most days for me too it fees like a dream but there are some days where it can feel like your trapped in a nightmare which you put yourself in. This might sound a little dramatic, it’s kinda what I do best to be honest, but I thought i’d share a more personal diary with you.

Again a little scary putting this all out there but I want to be honest with you guys plus it’s good therapy for me too to write it down 🙂

Catching two flies with one stone cos why the hell not?

And so it all began once upon a time… just kidding ha!

It actually all started when I went to therapy a year & a half ago to deal with a few trauma’s that I hadn’t been able to completely overcome or “give it a place” like the Dutch would say.

My therapist helped me address many issues I was dealing with and still sometimes deal with today.*

These issues are a combination of past trauma’s and the effects they have on me still.

*If any of you are dealing with shizzle and feel like you can’t overcome it, I can tell from experience that it really is okay to talk to someone about it. Not every doctor/psychiatrist etc. will be able to help right away. It might take a while before you find the right person to deal with anything you’re dealing with. But as long as you know that One: you are not alone. Two: it does not make you any less of a person. And three (which might sound cheesy but is a lesson I have learned); all flowers need a little rain to grow. So it will suck, be painful or plain horrible but you’ll grow all the wiser for it and hopefully you will, like me get through it and get better.*

So while dealing with all of my personal shizzle and still figuring out what I wanted to do in life, quitting one job and finding a new one, finally getting rest after being overworked, dealing with daily life issues etc etc. Feeling like I had to have it all figured out since I turned the big scary age of 25 last summer. It was slightly overwhelming to say the least…

So whilst I was dealing with that charming pile of poop, my longterm relationship also ended which kind of gave me that final push (I guess I needed) and a new insight to how much of myself I had lost not only in my relationship with my now ex but also & more importantly in the relationship with myself and life in general.

After everything that had happened, each week that passed by I would find out new things and sometimes old things about myself which finally led to me learning that my passion for travelling was still there, if not bigger and more powerful. I have always wanted to travel and I think I always will want to.

And so I decided I didn’t want to put my life on hold anymore. I had handled way too much shit already to not grab hold of the reigns for once and be like: na-ah not today bish✋…

To be fair it was actually more of me finally doing okay and I wanted to start 2019 fresh, not a new me but an old – okay so maybe a tad refined – me and I wanted to do something purely for myself.

And so, not with much time – procrastination at it’s finest people – I planned it all out.

I had already been saving cos I wanted to move out so I had a few bob in the bank already and with my family’s support I booked two trips and had mapped the rest out.

Admitting that it hasn’t been easy and my anxiety and stresslevels were out the roof even before I came out sucks but it is what it is 🤷‍♀️

My colleagues and friends all lovingly gave me advice, bless them, but it kinda made me worry even more just because it kept reminding me that this is the first time ever stepping out in the world alone. I’ve not really ever been properly alone before.

No hand to hold, no shoulder to literally lean on during long flights, no-one to figure out how-to-do-what with when arriving.

But I am realising that, that’s kinda the awesome part of it as-well. It’s MY trip, so MY rules, MY pace, MY desires. Every day just varies in emotions, it’s just one massive rollercoaster and i’m here for the ride.

For example: on my first night I was literally bawling my eyes out and texting my sister about how badly I wanted to come back home. I hadn’t even been in the country for more than four minutes haha.

Thank Buddha that my sister was there to support me, plus she understood & was able to translate my brubbling (texting while crying is hard guys) which helped. – Yeah Rose another shout-out, girl imma make you famous 😂 –

Shortly after that I went into the rainforest and had the time of my life. Even made friends with a massive gecko and bat in my room, so i was like: “I tots got this 😜.”

But yeah, I have come to find that travelling solo is an award receiving challenge but can get lonely sometimes even when you’re surrounded by people or travelling with a group.

Plus it can also be exhausting. Not just the days when you’re literally travelling and roaming around getting from a to b.

It’s also the constant being aware, especially on the days I am alone and at night time.

Constantly being in the “now” moment and taking everything in.

To also when you’re in a group, even though I have met amazing people, the constant feeling of having to be there, bright and happy and fun (insecurity issue of mine) can also start to make your battery go low.

What the biggest thing for me would be the walking alone and constantly being alert & aware of my surroundings and the people. It’s a trigger for me personally and unfortunately a normal fear not only myself but for many women.

Never the less at the end of the day you just gotta do you and push through any anxiety, loneliness or stress you’re experiencing. Which I feel like i’m doing and conquering in my own way :).

I keep pushing through, I am overcoming fears such as heights, water and the whole travelling thing in general and I seriously feel better for it! Not always during it, mostly afterwards but still it’s progress! 😅

If any of you were wondering whether my phobia of spiders is getting any less, the answer is a big fat NO. Don’t think it will anytime soon either haha.

So even when triggers have unfortunately been awakened in me at moments and sometimes my anxiety and insecurities do come out to play, I am extremely grateful to myself for overcoming so many fears already.

I mean i’m still out here taking on this amazing challenge for myself but most of all i’m extremely grateful to my parents & sister and all my friends at home who keep me company & give me kick up my arse whenever I need it.

So thank you everyone out there backing me and supporting me, it literally means the world! ❤️

Whenever you see a post or a photo that I upload, please know that I too struggle. Struggle with being present, pressure I put on myself, getting the right caption and filter (1st world problems ey?) but know that not all days are bad. So if you find yourself struggling at any time in life or with life, just know that that too is okay. If you’re my age we still have another 60 odd years to figure shit out and if you’re not a millennial, you still got loads of time left, trust me! Let’s take our time & enjoy the journey. (I’m starting to feel like Oprah saying all this.. haha)

So good or bad times, I hope you guys still enjoy the pretty photo’s I post anyway, just as much as I am when taking them. ☺️

And now to finish my dramatics… thank you all for reading my blogs, I shall post a much happier one soon and most probably it will feature me either doing something stupid or just plain clumsy. Always a good laugh🙈.

I shall now continue to travel happily ever after & most probs catch up on some sleep ha!

Write soon!

Lot’s of love.

G.